To quote many a famous explorer from times gone by when staring death in the face. Oh Shit.
Falling backwards from a skylight, to land on the top of a chanting group of hooded cultists who had already just murdered two people right in front of me to use their life force to de-age themselves or some such shit, wasn’t the first idea that came to mind when I thought of ways I could possibly die, but here I was; falling through the air repeating that famous line.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh SHIT!!

To back track half an hour to how I came to be in such an obscure situation with my divine bad luck, what I had actually been doing was my hobby. Urban exploring. Not exactly the safest or most lawful of hobbies but looking round the ruins of factories, catacombs and other places is my thing, so an abandoned church with a group of security guards lingering at the front is just asking to be broken in to. 

It was a lot bigger than I expected. But finding it clean and orderly inside was something I didn’t expect, neither was finding floating lights leading up to the rectory through the vestry. I didn’t expect it because from my first loop round the outer building, there wasn’t one there. The closer I got to the wall where the lights were suspended the clearer it became, fading away from a blank wall to an arched doorway that lead further on. Then upon pressing my fingers out to touch the hazy blank space, the force of the wall was still there.

Magic must have been involved. Now I may have the most basic grasp of illusion but I do know that astral lights only work for magic users, and that incorporeal doorways will only allow you to pass through if you’re using magic. It’s kind of an old fashioned electric fence, minus the electrocution part. Any other stupid sod would either just see it as a blank wall, no lights, no further sights. Sad really.

Then oh-so-curious me had the wonderfully bright idea of seeing where these lights lead to, putting my phone away and flaring up a ball of light in my palm. The archway cleared and allowed me to pass through, so I followed the lights to where it led which was the most Disney library that I have ever seen. From marbled floor to vaulted ceiling with books, rows and rows of them and not a person in sight, all light by chains of chandeliers suspended beneath glass domes that revealed the night sky above as it would look without an atmosphere.

If I were married I would have abandoned my partner in the dead of night to live here. Books everywhere, all clean and pristine, ordered by category then by author from A for Aeromancy to Z for Zooanthroturgy with all manner of other alphabet systems incorporated in subcategories into it too. I’ll be fucked if I know what half of these words mean but by the power of google I will know. My fingers itched to read through them all, but it would have taken me centuries to do that. So, instead I snuffed my light and gently lifted several of the thinner books under the A section out, and began taking pictures of the pages with my phone to read through later and to run through a translator as half were in languages that I had never learnt or even knew of.

Magic is all fun and crap but it hasn’t got shit on the power of google.

The section I had pulled out was apparently on Alveromancy, which of course meant nothing to me but a quick run through google, showed that it was to do with sounds. Not that interesting, but useful.

Snapping a picture of the texts, the translator came back with a method for a minor spell that improved hearing. Putting the books away I walked on through the aisles looking for a new area whilst giving the new spell a try. The translator left a little to be desired for as all translators do, but it was workable, creating a tingling tinnitus feeling in my ears as I strained to pick out any sounds but my own footsteps in the library. 

I’d looped round to the latter end now, the more obscure and forgotten areas like transataumancy and Zyogotransmogrifis or something like that. Too much Greco-Latin, not enough patience to pronounce them all. The last tiny section was suspended above the archway with no stairs to reach the higher rows which pissed me right off. I didn’t even know what those sections were about but nothing pisses me off more than not being able to access something. It’s part of being an urban explorer I guess.

Aggravated, I started to climb the shelves, taking care not to kick any of the books or cause too much noise that would have echoed for hours in this great chamber. Reaching the top I sat down on the narrow ledge and reaching below for a book.
Then the sound spell kicked in. 

-x-

Mouse: [freezes, leaning half way over the bookshelf as they hear people walking and talking.]

[A lot of people all in masks and hoods, they can hear all the echoes of the footsteps coming from the and it makes them a little dizzy. Realising the magnitude of their fuckup, they pull their legs up and press as close to the wall as possible, looking for an exit. There are beams that lead close up to the glass domes but they’re right in the centre of the room.]
Mouse: [whispering] Shit. [cautiously making their way round the edge of the bookshelves towards the beams hearing all the hushed mumbling.]

 …not to mention how long it’s been.
Fair enough, but what about…
Think of the changes we could make!
Or the fuck ups.
This better not take too long

[the lights dim and all the attendees light up a glow ball for themselves, all different colours whilst Mouse reaches one of the vaulted sections and carefully tries to swing around it to get onto the next shelf. Then all the other shelves in the middle of the room lower into the floor and mouse nearly falls off. Manages to leap and grab hold of a beam but now is right above the now-ballroom.]

Mouse: Oh fucking shitballs!!
Speaker: [raises a stone podium and altar in front of the archway.] You’re all late!
Audience: [laugh and cheer him]
Speaker: as you all know, we pride ourselves on being those who direct the tide. The conductors of progress and now our time has come to take back command of-

[The back of the audience with two men in top hats, canes and plague masks.]

GB: [directly below Mouse as they slowly move along the beam] Here he goes again, [sighs] the same routine as every other fucking time. 
FA: Shh! He’s retiring soon, so humour the old man would you?
GB: He says this every assembly. Fucker owes me nine retirement parties already.
FA: Gar…
GB: Or better yet he can keel over here and now.
FA: [whacks him with his cane] Shh!
Mouse: [realising that they can’t reach the next beam to get out to the window and barely balancing on the one they’re on. Fumblingly takes out their phone in the hope of finding some spell that might allow them to be lighter or levitate a little way. But then they drop their phone from their pocket.]

[The phone hits GB on the head and he swears and looks up. Mouse is horrified and is reaching down after trying to grab it. The two make eye contact.]

FA: [picks up the phone and hands it to GB thinking its his] Bloody hell, put your phone away you arse!
GB: [checks the phone, screen all cracked.] I thought it vibrated. Now look at it.
FA: Just put it away and shut up! [hasn’t noticed Mouse.]
GB:  So sorry. [slips the phone into his pocket then looks up at Mouse. Subtly raises a finger to the beak of the mask to gesture ‘Shh’ then nods towards the front.

[The front of the audience the Speaker has dragged out three dogs onto the stage.]

Speaker: Now as you know the last election resulted in a U-turn on policies on our backers. Not what we intended, no? What a horribly liberal turn of events that has happened in this corrupted party. [Turns to the dogs and drags one forward. They turn the dog back into a person who is wearing a suit and tie, looking terrified.] What do you have to say for yourself, sir?
Suit: Oh god! Oh god! Please d-don’t kill me!

[Audience laughing, one of them barks at the suit. Mouse looks horrified, realising that he other dogs must be people too. GB glances up to make sure that they’re watching.]

Speaker:  Well that all depends on what everyone here has to say. This is a democracy after all, a real democracy. Everyone gets a vote for which party they prefer. [pulls the Suit’s head back by his hair] Unlike you, I don’t have to bribe any of them, or steal anything to use as blackmail and their decisions are instantaneous.
Suit: I wasn’t bribed!
Speaker: Oh? And those decisions were all of your own doing then? 
Suit: [looks scared shitless] N-no.
Speaker: Of course they weren’t! You had advisors! [the other two dogs become people, man and woman both in suits.] But now the question is, who is truly at fault. This woman is your ethics advisor?
Suit: [nods slightly]
Speaker: [pulls his hand back and  all the blood just drains out of her body into a gathered ball by his hand and leaving the woman mummified.] We don’t need any of that.

[The audience half cheers half makes ‘god that’s gross’ comments. Mouse covers their mouth, trying not to be sick.]

GB: Such a drama queen. [unfased by it but it’s hard to tell with the mask]
Suit: No!
Speaker: [the final man, pats his head] Regan, I’m disappointed in you. I thought you said you were taking care of him but it seems you got a little too friendly.
Regan: [doesn’t move or answer, just glares.]
Speaker: Stealing from the library is bad enough, but not following commands? Thinking you are a person? Lord! What use is a servant that doesn’t do as its told and think that it has the same rights as a person. I made you.
Regan: I am a person. I think therefore I am, and nothing you can say will take that from me.
Speaker: [kicks him and he shatters like pottery.]
Suit: Regan!
Speaker: Shame. That was the best golem I’ve made yet to date. [turns back to the audience] Well now. What shall we do with him? Who has an opinion.

[Three other people raise their hand. Mixed shouts of “Kill him”, “Punish him”, “Replace him”. Punish wins out over the vote and the Speaker begins to torture him as a dog in front of the audience.]

Mouse: [realising that they’re starting to slip from the beam and have to go or possibly be slaughtered for stealing and trespassing. Scrambles up. *no choice but to jump.* 
GB: [Slow steps forward.]

[Mouse jumps. They just about grab the beam and pull themselves up. They open the window and start to haul themselves up. A snarling fox lunges its head forward and snaps its jaws at Mouse, startling them and making them let go. They fall backwards staring up at the ceiling as they descend]

Mouse: Oh shit!

[They shut their eyes before they land, but as they fall they start to shrink and land inside the top hat of GB. Winded and dazed they just about make out the shape and shadow of the mask before they collapse.]

-x-2-x-

[unknown amount of time later. Mouse is trying to wake up but everything is dark and their body feels weird. They try to move forward but find themselves in a cylindrical prison. They can hear the sound of a car and soft music playing.]

GB: Just drop me off here Fen.
FA: Are you sure? 
GB: It’s not raining anymore and I could use the air.

[the ‘ground’ beneath Mouse moves and they’re thrown about their tiny dark prison. The sound of the car fades away. The person then stops beneath a lamplight and takes away the coat that was covering it. Mouse shields their eyes from the sudden light and are picked up by their tail and dangled in front of the masked face of GB. GB has turned them into a brown and white mouse.]

GB: Well my darling little Mouse, you made a dull evening a little brighter but this is where my helping you ends.
Mouse: HOW IS THIS HELPING ME!? [though what GB hears is loud angry squeaking but seems to understand]
GB: [pulls out Mouse’s phone with its cracked screen and some of the scanned pages up.] Nice idea to take pictures, but I’m sure DuLauncet would consider this stealing too and I’m sure you saw what happened when they caught people stealing. 
Mouse: Give that back! It’s mine!
GB: [swings Mouse slightly.] Mice don’t need phones my darling. And I’m afraid my kindness ends here.
Mouse: Kindness?! YOU TURNED ME INTO A MOUSE!
GB: I could have also let you fall to your death. [Tosses them onto the grass.] I can’t exactly break any rules right now by letting you have your phone, and I can’t exactly let you walk away. Kids like you often have big mouths, you might rat  on me, [he smirks at his pun.]
Mouse: [Not amused] You turn me back right now you bastard! Who would I even tell! I’m like you! 
GB: Uh. No. [turns and starts to walk away, browsing through Mouse’s phone] Goodnight Mouse! If I never see your tiny little nose again then I’ll assume you’re dead.
Mouse: COME BACK HERE YOU MOTHERFUCKER! [starts scampering after him]

[Ears twitch and can see the twitch of a cat’s tail out the corner of their eye. They squeak and run faster after GB. The cat leaps out at them, just about missing them. Mouse dodges and rolls out the way, trying to evade the cat. The cat pounces on their tail and is about to just bite their head off when a Doberman charges the cat and scares it off, then snaps up Mouse in its mouth and throws them into the air. Mouse just gets a dizzy perspective of GB turning from dog to man and catches them in his hat again and proceeds to walk off with them in his hat again.]

GB: Changed my mind, I’ve had an idea.

[traveling in the hat again. Mouse tries to listen for what’s going on outside but can’t figure out a thing. What’s actually happening is that GB has returned home, putting down all his things and getting comfortable.]

GB: Now then…[tips the hat out and drops Mouse into a teapot] Stay there and stay quiet for now.
Mouse: [incoherent angry squeaking]
GB: Stop complaining! You could be dead now if I wasn’t so nice.
Mouse: [shouting out of the spout holes] YOU HAVE A VERY TWISTED VIEW OF KINDNESS AND NICENESS YOU BASTARD!
GB: I’ll fill that pot with water if you don’t stop.
Mouse: OH AND I SUPPOSE YOU’D CONSIDER THAT GIVING ME A BATH NOW WOULD YOU?
GB: Well if you want one, you just have to ask.
Mouse: [squeaking intensifies.]

[Mouse is stuck there for they don’t know how long and fall asleep, only to be awoken by a loud scream and being flung across the room with the teapot shattering]

LU: WHAT THE FUCK! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A MOUSE IN THE TEAPOT!
GB: Ooh I forgot about that.
LU: YOU FORGOT ABOUT THAT?!
Mouse: [shakes themselves off and watches as a big burly lumberjack in a towel and shower cap strangles a lanky ginger prick which they assume is the Bastard.] 
GB: LUCY! I CANT BREATHE!
LU: YOU WONT NEED TO IN A SECOND YOU MOTHERFUCKER BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD!
GB: I C- [actually choking]
Mouse: [scurries over] 
GB: [see’s mouse and turns them back into a human]
Mouse: [dizzy and suddenly at the right height and size again, stumbles forward.] Oh shit! 
LU: [Lets go of GB and half turns just as Mouse falls forward] What the-
Mouse: [grabs the towel as they fall and pulls it free, falling face first onto the ground.]
[there’s a brief pause in the chaos as Mouse realises that they’re stuck between a dickhead who turned them into a mouse and held them captive and a naked lumberjack.]
Mouse: [tentatively hands LU back the towel then points to GB] He did it.
LU: oh…but of course [blushing red and embarrassed. But turns to GB and swipes his hand past the spider plant and it grows to an impossible length and ties him up.] I’m so sorry about him.
Mouse: [gets up as LU rewraps his towel, getting a sneak peak of ass] I’d like to say no big deal but this fucker kidnapped me.
LU: [Kicks GB] Again?!
Mouse: *Again?!*
GB: [wriggles and muffled complaining]
LU: [lets him talk but looks very fucking pissed.] Why the fuck did you kidnap this young…[looks at Mouse. Contemplates which pronoun to use] Person.
GB: They were gate crashing the assembly last night. 
LU: You were at the assembly?
Mouse: Uhh…kind of?
LU: [sighs] Give me ten minutes to get dressed. Help yourself to some food in the fridge.
[a few minutes later and they’re all sat down. GB is still tied up but is now on a chair.]
LU: So you were there because of your…hobby.
Mouse: [shrugs] I honestly had no idea it was used for that.
LU: Bit of a shock to the system then huh. [Rubs his eyes] 
GB: See! I was helping!
Mouse: [incredulous] You took my phone, turned me into a mouse, kidnapped me, nearly let a cat eat me, then held me captive in a teapot.
GB: Or you could be dead. I’m a paragon of kindness.
Mouse:  You’re still a bastard.
GB: I’ve been called worse my darling mouse [winks]
LU: Stop flirting or I gag you, Garroway.
GB: [twists his wrist a little so he can stick his middle fingers up at LU]
Mouse: So, that assembly…They puppet the politicians?
LU: It’s all horribly old fashioned and stupid if you ask me.
GB: I fucking hate it.
Mouse: Then why attend?
GB: [Looks surprised] Isn’t it obvious? You can’t change something if you don’t do anything about it. I hate them all but if I’m not there then they vote stupidly, so I’ve got to counter the stupid.
Mouse: And you want the old dude to die? 
GB: The Speaker? You did see him drain all the blood from a woman right in front of you yes? He’s an asshole. 
LU: It takes one to know one.
GB: And you are what you eat, blah blah.
Mouse: In that case you’re a dick.
GB: [laughs] You. I like you.
Mouse: So what was that idea you had which stopped you from letting me become a cat’s dinner?
GB: [grinning] We’re going to kill the Speaker.
Mouse: [stands up] Goodbye.
GB: Hey now wait wait! I can pay you.
Mouse: [sits down] Continue.
LU: [sceptical] Garroway, are you sure you should be saying this.
GB: Here’s my idea. We can use your sneakiness to get into the library when the speaker is there, I can use your phone as an excuse to get close to him. You do the whole “Please sir don’t kill me” then when he’s focused on you, we kill him.
Mouse: That’s stupid.
GB: Its work in progress.
Mouse: I’m not killing anyone and I’m not assisting in murder.
GB: yes you are.
Mouse: Oh?
GB: Because my darling Mouse, he’s going to make any young mage not allied with him into a golem like Regan last night.
LU: [sits up] What?
GB: Fenwick is on the inner council remember. He hears these things being proposed before they put it to a vote. So people like you and Mouse here will become clay servants if you don’t work for him.
Mouse: But he’s retiring…right?
GB: He says that every time but he enjoys the power to much to do that. I want him gone.
Mouse: And what would you do after? Take his place? What would you change?
GB: I’d make better education for a start. You don’t seem like you’ve had any lessons beyond forums and YouTube videos. Let people read all those books in the library rather than only those in the inner council. Renewable energy, better parks…you know, obvious things that should be being done already.
Mouse: Hm.